What Lies Ahead

Tomorrow is a new day and my dreams of tomorrow vary from day to day; sometimes moment to moment. My eyes see visions of laughter and smiles, but my heart feels a solemn, distinct anxiety. I fear I will never love again; never to be the smile of a good woman or to know the warmth of her touch. I guess you could say that I have a wound that is having trouble healing.

My previous relationship failed because the woman I loved required me to be someone I was not. She never truly accepted me for myself; she always wanted someone different. In the end, she found someone different; he isn't me. It would have been great if our relationship was not so legally binding -- maybe I'd feel better about it ending.

The thing about this scarring is that it has affected so many other parts of my life; and not all of them negatively. I am renewed as a person. I know more today of who I am than I did a year ago. My wants and my dreams are more centered and stronger than ever. I know where I'm going and, more importantly, where I've been. In essence, I have lost the ability to care whether others like me or not. I will no longer change myself to suit another. Love me for me or find someone else to love; expect me to do the same and harbor no ill will when it happens. I have learned a very important lesson; there will always be people who like you for you and people who hate you for you. The key is to find those that like you for you.

Today is the end of another year; tomorrow begins anew. I am hopeful that I have the heart to pursue the dreams I dream. I am hopeful the vision my eyes see is not merely the effect of left over Christmas turkey. I want to live, I want to love, and I want someone to be myself with. These are not a reality today, but, as I said, tomorrow is a new day.

My Wish... for me

I'm tired. That's all; just tired. I sit here thinking of the past year of my life and think about how long it has been since I have been comfortable. Comfort is not something that has come to me very often.

My life has not been my own for so long. For years I devoted my life to the work of God through Calvary Baptist Church; looking back I see this as a mistake. I then eagerly gave my life to a woman who I thought I would spend the rest of my days with; again, years wasted. During this course of events I gave my life to college so as to ensure a future for me and my wife; now I stay with it because of my own future security. My father's health is failing. My school carreer is rocky at best. I live under the roof of my mother and over-bearing step-father. My comfort is non-existent.

I enjoy sleeping; in those moments my mind takes me where I want to be. I dream of beaches, of friends, and of times of laughter and joy. I want to ride my bike through the mountains and feel the sunshine on my face. I strive for the moment when I have no worries, no cares, and no devotion.

There is, however, a light peeking through the worry-stained clouds. I have an interview as a Teacher's Assistant in the area to which I wish to move. I want to say I am hopeful, but I'm too tired for hope. At this point I am numb. I would like to get this position so that I can have some measure of comfort.

My wish?

Simply to be free; to enjoy the company of others and rely only on myself. It is my wish; it is my dream. Good thing I believe in both.